Why Mothers Should Be Banned From State Speech Meets

My sweet petunia, Hannah Rose, made it to the North Dakota State Speech Meet yesterday.  I was all smiles and busting buttons.  A cold, rainy day did not deter me from going as a spectator to watch my baby wow the socks off judges and fellow participants. 

You will no doubt have your misgivings about the coming statement, but the unbiased truth is, Hannah is GOOD.  Now you know and there is no need to question that fact any further.  Mother’s are notoriously objective about these things.

Further adding to the brag factor is the fact that she made it in not one, but two events.  Doggonit, she’s good! 

There are a few other important pieces of information you might need to fully understand this story.  Here they are:

1.     Hannah is fifteen.

2.     Hannah is OCCASIONALLY embarrassed by her mother.

3.     Hannah’s mother is generally not deterred by her daughter’s embarrassment. 

Oh, I don’t go out of my way to create discomfort, but by the fourth child, you begin to understand that it matters little what you do or don’t do.  Children are embarrassed by their parents, even when the parents are as cool as Hannah’s parents are (for example).  It is written in the Cosmic Code somewhere that parents cannot win in this arena.  The very act of being alive will create exaggerated eye rolling, head shaking, and loud sighing.  Words muttered under the breath are also a very real possibility.  This is just how it is. 

I have attended a few speeches before, enough anyway to have a rough idea how they work.  My daughter prefers that I not go to these as having a familiar face in the audience makes her more nervous, which is fine.  I get it and understand. 

But making it all the way to state… well, my dear reader, that is a whole new beast.  I am GOING, and that is the end of the matter. 

There are many different categories at these meets. Rosie qualified in two of them; humorous interpretation and humorous duo.  She shines in these categories, because she’s FUNNY.  She has a great innate sense of comedic timing.  More mother gushing here… forgive me.

Her grandparents also wanted to witness this milestone, and were waiting for us in the main lobby when we arrived.  Well, I should probably qualify that statement.  Hannah’s grandmother wanted to come; her grandfather… not so much.  No, no, it’s OK.  It doesn’t hurt the grandkids feelings as Grandpa makes no secret of how he feels about endless sporting events and concerts.  I think he figures he put in his time with his own five children and now he’s earned a pass for the rest of his retired life.  Who can blame him?  I certainly don’t.  He adores his family and makes each grandchild feel as though they are the most special child on earth.  They revel in his love and attention. 

But he comes regardless, and grouses at the refs, and sings the National Anthem comically too loud and offbeat, and wonders aloud “when this train-wreck of a concert will be mercifully over,” or something along those lines.  And we giggle at his adorable boorish behavior and are thankful that he is a part of our lives.

The speech meet began without preliminary ceremonies and we scooted off straightaway to find Hannah’s classroom where she would perform her first event.  Each event is performed and judged twice with different judges so as to keep the things reasonably fair. 

My first misstep of the day was walking in and finding the desks arranged in an odd order.  The desks were divided down the center of the room facing in towards the middle.  Dear, dear, this will never do.  Who came up with this insanity?  I sat down without making a scene, but when someone else arrived and voiced my very thoughts, that was all it took.  Time to rearrange.  In short order, things were more Feng Shui, and I would be able to acceptably concentrate now.

The judge settled himself and called for the first pair of performers without muss or fuss.  Hannah and her partner, Karlie, were fourth on the roster.  I had already decided they were the best, so this charade of going through the motions all seemed pointless to me, but alright, let’s suffer through each performance, if we must.  Whatever…

The first performers were a couple of lads doing a sketch from the point of a brainless dog and a snooty house cat.  It was hilarious!!  Those two were so ON it was unbelievable.  I think from the first words out of their mouths, I was laughing.  Not quiet giggles or bubbling laughter.  Oh no, I mean open mouth guffawing.    I didn’t realize the impact of my mirth until I happened to glance over at Hannah who was sitting a safe three rows over from Alien Mom.  She was glaring.  Glaring and shaking her head in disapproval.  I grinned from ear to ear, spread my hands in a helpless gesture, and mouthed the words, “They’re FUNNY!!”  More head shaking and disapproval from Row 2.

It was the same look she gave me one day in church when her dad and I were shamelessly texting with a college friend.  Each text sent and received was funnier than the previous one and had Hannah’s parents in fits of laughter.  Really, what is funnier than church humor?  She let us know in no uncertain terms that she was quite disappointed in our behavior and would we please put those infernal cell phones AWAY??  (this spoken in teen vernacular, but you get the idea..)  When had the roles reversed around here?  I suspect this will only get worse as she matures and I get just plain old and eccentric.  I will lay my outrageous behavior at the feet of old age and blame early onset senility. 

I looked away from my I’m-the-Only-Adult-Here daughter and focused once again on the action at the front of the room.  They finished their act, I clapped enthusiastically, and the next pair took the stage.  Holy cow, they were funny too!  Well, it IS State.  This is the best of the best.  They are supposed to be good.

When that round had finished, we found room 218 and went through the process again for Humorous Interpretation.  This time Hannah flew solo and told a side splitting mock fairy tale complete with voice changes and gestures.  Wow, when had this quiet, shy child gotten her gregarious side revved up?  Once again, I was the loudest laugher (I know this because my daughter told me so afterwards), and I enjoyed most of the other performances as well.  There were a few that didn’t quite hit the mark, I felt.  Like the one where the guy is contemplating becoming a cannibal to shock himself into becoming a vegan.  It was…well, it was disturbing and weird.  But most were amazing and I tried to show my appreciation for their talent with smiles and laughter.  There was just one judge out four rounds that also allowed himself to laugh in all the right places.  I appreciated that.  Funny is funny after all.

Did my baby win first place?  No, sadly not.  I guess mother’s objective opinions don’t count for much in a competition.  But she is only a freshman and has plenty of time to hone her skills and go for the speech gold.  I doubt for not one second that she will accomplish just that.

So hurrah for speech meets and hurrah for teenagers who give up Saturdays to work on public speaking, and hurrah for dedicated coaches and teachers who go that extra mile to help kids like Hannah discover what gifts and talents they truly possess. Confidence in front of a crowd can only lead to good things. 

And hurrah to parents like me for ignoring our children’s pleas to stay silent and blend in with the furniture.  Someday, my Luv, you will understand that cheering for you boisterously is one of the top ten ways to express love.  You will finally grasp that concept when you have children of your own.  And you will probably be seated in a classroom on a rainy Saturday listening to your own teenager make an audience laugh and come alive.  Then you will know… it doesn’t get any better than this.