If Barbie Were Based On Me...

She looks a lot like me.  She looks, in fact, JUST like me.  She IS me.  There are nine first graders who think the shelves of Walmart should be lined with them.  Here’s how I know…

I recently introduced two-column addition in math.  To help with the concept, we go “shopping” and create sales receipts.  I ask for shopping items they would like to purchase and then attempt to draw the item on the board (or a reasonable facsimile), then I affix a price to it.  After we have chosen our items, I allow the students to take turns choosing two of the items to purchase and we add the two items up.  I have been drawing the usual, predictable items; tractors, Transformers, Legos, dinosaurs… all the stuff kids love.

Then someone suggested a Mrs. Dahl doll.  “Yeah!!” they shouted.  “Draw a Mrs. Dahl Barbie!  Don’t forget the hair!”  So I drew a really bad representation of that iconic doll and gave her slightly chaotic blond hair.  “You know…,” I added.  “If there’s a Mrs. Dahl Barbie, there has to be a Mr. Dahl action figure (my nod to misplaced masculinity).”  Again, “Yeah!!”  I drew a companion for Mrs. Dahl Barbie and gave him spiked hair (the kids insisted), and a hairy chest.  Rather dishy, really.  Oh my, we did laugh. 

So here’s my suggestion to Mattel for their next Barbie.  Make her middle- aged, (I know, right?  This thing has bestseller written all over it).  If she’s going to be based on me, then she needs a pile of bad hair on her head, because MD Barbie usually doesn’t have time in the morning to do much with her locks.  She will also need several hair clips, hair bands, and even plain old rubber bands out of her desk drawer as a last resort, when she gets sick of her hair in her face.  This usually occurs during art on Fridays and has a lot to do with six-year-olds and wet paint.

Teacher Barbie will also be sporting poorly kept fingernails as she always MEANS well, but never seems to find the time to give herself a proper manicure.  Mrs. Dahl Summer Barbie will come with a little packet of dirt to be placed under her fingernails for when she works in the garden.

This will tie in nicely to all her quasi-hippie accessories (sold separately, of course).  She prefers organically grown vegetables to the chemical rot in the grocery stores.  She will need glass dishes for the microwave instead of plastic, and she WILL NOT line her Malibu Barbie House with prepackaged, processed foods or white bread. 

MD Barbie may be quasi-hippie, but she loves glam and will wear lots of jewelry to school, loves heels, feels strongly that comfortable shoes should NOT equal ugly, and is willing to spend Ken’s money on really good perfume and quality clothing. 

My plastic likeness drives a mini van, but has her eye on that Barbie Mustang.  Mr. Dahl action figure must first be convinced. 

MD loves her Malibu Barbie House but knows she should clean it more often.  She is religious about keeping up with the laundry, however, and feels in some weird plastic way that this evens things out.

Mrs. Dahl Barbie also comes with a first grade classroom shaped like a tree house.  Its interior is painted the color of the sky and bright spring grass.  The shelves are lined with art projects, a variety of insects, and plants in various stages of growth.

MD Barbie works far too many hours a week, and knows it, but feels strongly that hard work now will lead to less work later (she is also slightly delusional and well, blond).  In order to keep functioning on five hours of sleep a night, MDB comes with a large coffee mug, and very strong coffee beans.  Real cream is also necessary for her perfect cup of coffee.  A tiny tube of concealer will come with your purchase as this is actually an MDB necessity.

MDB hates meetings and considers 98% of actual meeting time a sinful waste.  To that end, she has a tiny bottle of Rolaids and blank paper and pen for doodling her frustrations away.  If she thinks she can get away with it, she also corrects papers while sitting in captivity.  The best accessory for this is her removable face featuring a pasted-on smile that she wears for the benefit of administration.  This feature allows her to fume without anyone being the wiser.

Alas, Mrs. Dahl Teacher Barbie is from Missouri and has redneck propensities, so you are going to want to purchase the set of fried foods, a really good southern watermelon (as these are not to be found in North Dakota), and sweet tea.  Shorts and flip-flops are all you’ll need for her summer wardrobe.  She will also be a speaking Barbie that will call everyone “Sugar,” “Honey,” and “Sweet Pea.”  Her arms will be naturally curved for giving endless hugs.

Her quasi-hippie, free-spirit approach to teaching will compel her to wish away the rigid daily schedule in favor of a more relaxed approach to learning, (Hey, kids.  Let’s do grammar OUTSIDE!)

The best feature of Teacher Barbie will be a heart that melts easily when around the children that will come with the full set.  They are a unit, after all.  She can’t be a teacher without children.  Each child will be a priceless, limited edition that will be carried around with Mrs. Dahl Barbie forever. 

Would Teacher Barbie be a best seller?  Nah.  There is nothing perfect about her.  Nothing to emulate or admire. Ordinary doesn’t usually pique anyone’s interest or cause them to spend their money.  But I like her just fine.  I’m pretty sure there are nine first graders who do too.

Any future updated version will have better nails and get more sleep, but no one will notice because she’ll be driving that Mustang convertible…